Saturday, June 18, 2011 at 11:23pm
as you all that know me know i like to write, and most often i channel what i am feeling into words that can flow onto paper or in the case onto screen! lol. I have been in a constant battle for the last 2yrs with this sickness i hate RHEUMATOID ARHTRITIS. I will not go into what it is and what is does again if you know me then you read my previous posts! Just know that if you haven't had the luxury of being close to someone thats got it GOOD! Well now I have two new lovely illness' to fight with, and the more i battle daily the less i want to be the old angel i once was. I used to be the girl with the bright smile and the loud conversation to match I could hang out in O'Malley's, Cardinal Inn, Velvet Rose or even just walking with my girls down broadway cause it was Derby and we wanted to see and be seen. Then I found out my whole life was changing whether I liked it or not, I was not the same person. It seemed like almost over night I was....... different? I had a pain on my left foot and my right hand, wait what is happening here and why? what did i do to make this happen?? I have always been the girl that lived by her own rules and didnt worry about what others thought, i liked to have people wonder what the hell was she thinking. But i did have a hand full of friends to turn to when i wanted to go out, or if i had man problems or if they had man problems then it seems like i woke up and there was noone there but me. where did everyone go? what happened? is it because i couldnt go to the clubs anymore or was it because my meds didnt allow me to drink as heartily as before? I'll tell you what happened, SELFISH & SCARED thats what they were and what they are. I would have liked to know that i had true friends that would have said i am picking up dinner and coming to just lay in the bed with you and watch movies just because I know u dont feel up to anything else. But thats not the sort of friends I have or shall i say HAD cause i have started weeding them out one by one and not thought about them anymore, until i watched lean on me tonight. Then i thought what if i had CANCER would i go through chemo alone (well of course my husband is always by myside) I see all the time on tv women supporting one another and having a friendship. I just thought i would channel my thoughts and let all that decide to read this if you have friends and they are sick or if it is you that is sick and have crappy girlfriends i would say REEVALUATE ur friendship and question would they stay or would they go? I thought my BEST friend would stay but it was a choose to let her go, as much as it hurt me to do I let her go cause I GREW APART. I am lonely sometimes for a conversation with another women but then i wake up in the arms of the one who loves me illness & all i decide why should i cry over spilled milk?
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